Falling into Middle Earth
by Araloth of Doriath
Summary: Based upon the assumption that a girl who falls into Middle-Earth can randomly change her species. Which means. . .another parody by Araloth. A birthday fic for Gwenneth Tinuiel.


**Happy birthday Kat! =D**

Yes, it's another parody. Please review, and enjoy!

OoO

Standing in one of the many paths in Rivendell, she allowed a beam of sunlight to fall upon her upturned face. She shifted a little, in order to ensure that there was just the right amount of artistic balance between light and shadow. It was important that she looked her best, though she knew perfectly well that she could charm any attractive male in the vicinity in whatever light conditions. Melinda Barneswell, with her perfect teeth and gorgeous smile, knew that this was where she belonged, in Elrond's domain. Her beautiful pointed ears had been the basis for a lot of bullying and teenage angst, but now she was at quite at ease. She had always been an Elf, of course, though no one knew it.

Lord Elrond had even been so kind as to tell her the name lovingly bestowed upon her by her Elven parents, now deceased.

There was a muffled noise as of clothes rustling further up the path but the beautiful young Melinda did not turn her head. She could already see who it was from out of the corner of her sparkling celestial azure eyes and from under long, dark lashes. A beatific smile graced her lips at the thought of it.

_Legolas_.

The Elf in question was tall and slender, yet strong. His long, well-kept blond hair was unbound except for the small braids just behind his pointed ears. His eyes were just as beautiful and blue as Melinda's. All in all he was – well, according to Melinda's assessment, totally sexy. So now, having sorted that out, Melinda continued to stand there perfectly, awaiting the moment when her lust object would see her conveniently standing in that convenient spot with that convenient beam of light shining conveniently upon her perfect form. Now Melinda was confusing herself and decided not to do any more critical thinking.

The footsteps were drawing nearer and Melinda slightly tilted her head to an angle that would best highlight her perfect facial features. A slight breeze (a very convenient breeze, I might add) stirred the rich aqua-coloured material of her trailing dress. Melinda was not tall – in fact, she was rather small and petite, only just taller than a Hobbit. Yet despite this she knew that she was the most beautiful elleth in Rivendell – which included Arwen. Arwen was nothing next to her and she knew it.

She closed her eyes as the footsteps got louder — and began to bypass her.

Her eyes snapped open in surprise as Legolas avoided the long aqua-coloured train blocking the path and did not even acknowledge her presence. Dammit! She had to do something. She cleared her throat and spoke in melodious tones.

"Hey, Legolas."

Legolas stopped and turned. Well, _that_ got his attention. He gave her a bow and said briefly, "And a good afternoon to you also, lady. . .?"

Melinda smiled. "My name is Melinda. I have many others, in the Elven tongue, but this is the one bestowed upon me by my fairy godfather before I began to live in modern Earth. You know the Elven naming traditions well."

Legolas for a moment looked a little confused. "The Elven traditions usually require a mother-name and a father-name – I have never heard of a fairy godfather."

Melinda's smile slipped a little. How could he not know of the fairy godfather, the kindly old man-pixie who bestowed names and prophecies? Ah well, perhaps it was because Legolas was a Sylvan Elf, a rustic. She looked up at him through her eyelashes. He was looking down at his soft leather boots and scratching his head. Melinda knew from his body language that he was thinking of his angst-filled, loveless past and how much he needed a soulmate.

"Where _do_ you come from, exactly?" asked Legolas.

Melinda smoothed out a fold in her skirt. "My Earth-name is Melinda Barneswell. I come from modern Earth, but my parents were Elves of Sparkle Valley, just to the east of Harad."

Legolas' eyebrows shot up. "I don't blame you for being shocked at my heritage," said Melinda.

"Oh, I am shocked, alright," murmured Legolas.

"Well," continued Melinda, "I woke up and found myself in Middle-Earth. There is a prophecy about me – that I will help destroy the Ring and Sauron. I found out, after all these years, that I am an elleth."

"Oh."

"And," she continued, "Elrond told me my true name and destiny."

Tears began to well up in her eyes. "I'm glad I left," she whispered. "They treated me badly there. Because my parents were dead and I was in modern Earth, I had to live with my aunt and uncle. They were cruel. I had to cook and clean all the time, when all I wanted was to read and do calculus."

"Calculus?" muttered Legolas confusedly. He must have been thinking of how intelligent she was to be able to do high-level maths.

"They never treated me with any respect," she sobbed. "All I wanted was to be loved!"

Legolas, having regained his powers of speech, said: "Er, Melinda – I do pity you for your terrible past, but I am afraid that I must go now. Aragorn wished to see me on a matter of importance."

Melinda was momentarily confused. Why was he not taking her into his arms and soothing her?

"Alright, Legolas," she said, drying her eyes, and they magically were not bloodshot as one would expect after a lot of crying. She felt so strange, though. Well, angsting was, after all, very draining.

A strange look passed over Legolas' face whilst he was watching her. "Farewell then, Melinda," he said, and after one last parting look he briskly walked away, leaving behind a very satisfied girl.

_Though_, thought Legolas as he headed down the path with an unusually mischievous grin, _she is quite wrong if she thinks that she is an elleth._

OoO

The day appointed for the Council was the next day and though Melinda had not seen much of Legolas, she did not doubt that he would be there. When the prophecy concerning her had been read out, everyone would be in awe of her. Including a certain Elf-prince.

The only problem was that she had no mirror to check her appearance, which could prove a problem. After all, she had to look absolutely perfect for the Council. But she soon dismissed these fears when she realised that she was beautiful anyway.

For there were none who could possibly resist the charms of Melinda Melindariel Melcindómien Tari Arienya Liaeniel Galadrianna Nienna Fëanora Faramirwen Marguerita Carbonara Elbereth.

Melinda walked outside into the place where the Council was being held. Instantly everyone's heads turned in her direction. She could feel her long braid swinging behind her whenever she moved her head. It was probably about time that she started planning what she would do to save the Fellowship. Saving Boromir was number one on the list – she could always do with an extra member to her fanclub Fellowship. After all, a girl needs a bit of fun whilst travelling in wild lands on a perilous journey to destroy the Dark Lord that will likely result in psychological damage for some and bloody warfare against vast dark armies for others. It might help, of course, if she warned the Fellowship about the Balrog in Moria. That Gandalf guy, he was far too old to be a member of the harem – ew! But she would gain his respect and maybe he could teach her a few cool spells and things. Oh, this would be such fun!

She could not help a smile when she felt all eyes on her, staring in admiration as she took her place. They were staring a fair bit actually, almost gawking, but she supposed this would be because she was an Elf of unique beauty. A small sort of Elf, but an Elf all the same.

She gave another demonic smile and reached up to feel her delicately pointed—

—beard?

She froze. Clutching frantically at hunks of hair she realised that she had beautiful, silky tresses that were growing from her face. They were even braided with not a hair out of place, and there was a sheen to them that was unsurpassed by any Dwarf. The heaviness on her head, she discovered, was nothing other than a helmet. Melinda gave a horrified cry when her hands went up to her ears, which were mostly obscured by rich red-brown hair. They were not even pointed.

It was then that Elrond began to chuckle.

"Mae govannen, Mary Sue," he said, with a rare smile lighting up his stern features.

"What? I'm not a Mary Sue! I'm an Elf!" she screeched, her bearded braid swaying gracefully and distracting a teenage Dwarf who happened to be present. Several of the Elves winced and covered their ears. "I am an Elf! I'm _supposed_ to be an **Elf**! Elrond, you said so!"

A ripple of clear laughter from the Elves and rumbling, hearty chuckles from the Dwarves made Melinda's blood run cold.

"An Elf? Nay, you are wrong." The beautiful voice belonging to Prince Legolas Thranduillion spoke then, sounding like ripples of water. "You are a Dwarf."

And as if to prove the truth of the words the Elf had just spoken, an elaborately-constructed axe appeared in Melinda's hand. A look of mingled rage and horror crossed the Sue's face.

At this no one, not even Elrond, was able to contain his laughter. Sam fell out from behind the bush he was hiding behind, and Master Elrond, with tears in his eyes and unable to speak coherently, laughingly waved his hand, directing him to sit next to Frodo. The Dwarves laughed heartily alongside the Elves. But laughing the loudest was Legolas, his blue eyes creased in mirth. He had not laughed this hard for a few yéni, at least.

The whole Council was put on hold for a full ten minutes before Elrond wiped his eyes and said, after the manner of a judge, "We have sat at this meeting many times over, for the benefit of fanfiction authors. The members of the Fellowship – you all know who you are. There shall be Nine, just as there is supposed to be, and that is my final decision. Council dismissed!"

Melinda jumped up, her eyes burning with fury. "But—the prophecy—what about me? I'm supposed to be the saviour of Middle-Earth!"

"I am sorry then to inform you that the real and only saviour of Middle-Earth is Frodo Baggins of the Shire," answered Elrond. "You will not join the Fellowship – I am tired of letting all these rude modern-day girls journey with them. You, Melinda, will be going back with the Dwarves to Erebor and Dale. Good day, and enjoy your stay in Rivendell."

Everyone else made their way out of the courtyard, and a piercing screech sounded on the air. It was the cry of a Suethor whose plans have been thwarted.

Melinda, however, was still there for some inexplicable reason. She was free of her creator – and she felt terrible for what her creator had been making her do unwillingly.

She was left by herself. She slumped into an empty chair and buried her head in her hands. It was not her fault that her creator had made her into a Mary Sue. If it had been up to her, she would not be here in the first place, and she would not be trying to latch onto Legolas to fulfil her creator's fantasies. Obviously some strange twist of fate had freed her, but now what was she to do? She was going into a strange land, into countries she had only a vague memory of, and it was not with the Fellowship. She was lost, utterly lost.

"Melinda?"

A deep but somewhat soft voice sounded just above her head. Looking up, she saw a young Dwarf, probably about her age, with concern in his eyes. It was the same Dwarf who had been watching her before. She quickly wiped away her tears.

"Who are you?" she asked, her voice thick with all her emotional outpouring.

The Dwarf sat down next to her. "I am Nýrád," he answered. "Lord Elrond tells me that you are coming back with us, as you are of Dwarf race." Melinda gave a bitter laugh.

"So what now? Are you all going to throw me off a cliff for being a Mary Sue?" she snapped. She cursed her creator and wished with all her heart that she could just be eliminated, to fall into oblivion with the ranks of deleted Mary Sues.

"Now why would we do that, lass?" Nýrád's voice was surprisingly soothing and Melinda felt sorry for directing her anger and distress at him. "You are not the same as you were before. You have your own life now, away from and without your creator. It has happened before, you know," he added.

Melinda smiled through her tears. "I'm sorry for snapping at you, Nýrád," she sighed. "It's just that—I never wanted to hit on Legolas, or go on the Quest, or have cool powers, or any of that. I wouldn't have minded meeting some of the characters but not more than that. I'm ashamed of what I was."

"You couldn't help it," replied Nýrád. "And it's all over now, lass."

"But – but what will I do now? I'm going to some place I don't know, with people I've never heard of. There's a whole new culture I have to learn about. And—and I have a beard!"

"Don't you worry about that, lass," rumbled the Dwarf. He turned towards her and Melinda noticed that he had hazel eyes, with little flecks of gold in them. They were nice eyes, she thought. "And," he added, his voice going a little soft, "I think you have quite the nicest beard I've ever seen on a Dwarf-girl."

Melinda was quite glad then that she had the beard, because it hid the sudden blush that coloured her cheeks. Nýrád grinned and stood up, clapping her on the back.

"Come on. Not much use moping around while we're here. Too many Elves here but the place is nice enough. Would you like to meet Gimli?"

A smile, one of her first real signs of joy, not the dazzling, superficial ones that her creator had originally given her, lit Melinda's face. "I'd love to!" she exclaimed, and then followed her new friend. Maybe her life would not be so bad after all.

OoO

A happy ending for a former Mary Sue? Perhaps. But it's the only one you'll ever see from me, so enjoy it. ;)


End file.
